


Ass of America

by fanfictionwriterinprogress



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers bonding exercises, Crack, Fury has an aneurysm, Gen, Steve and Tony bonding time, Steve and Tony takes ass pictures for their tumblr, all is fair in the game of butts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-29 17:26:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19404826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfictionwriterinprogress/pseuds/fanfictionwriterinprogress
Summary: Tony knew he was an ass man, but that did not mean that he liked the asses on dudes that were literally asses. With that said, however, it was pretty hard to miss Captain douches ass. Maybe he should ask him if he could re-design his suit, since that since does nothing to capture all that glory.Or, in which Tony and Steve have a Tumblr where they post pictures of the other’s butts, because why not.





	Ass of America

Tony absolutely hated ‘Captain bloody America’. America his ass. He was nothing more than a stuck up, who dare not question authority. Was this guy born before the military started thinking for themselves? Rhodey never turned out like that, otherwise, Tony would have socked him in the jaw and told him the world didn’t run on blind faith alone. Which, oh so happens, he was about to do to Captain-stuck-up.

“Listen captain douche- “Tony was getting tired of saying this over and over. Capsicle just couldn’t understand. Being too far up his own ass, as he was. Although, _it was a nice ass_. “let me go get my gauntlet and I can maybe blow that stick loose that’s so far up your ass. Maybe that will knock some brain cells loose, or maybe you lost them somewhere, like an old man”

“Listen here Stark”. Steve was having enough of this man. He had been ignoring mission protocol on the last mission. And he needed to be corrected. The man was so insufferable, and how was it he absolutely had to bring up his time in the ice at every possible occasion. Did he have a vendetta against him or something? At this point, Steve almost thought Stark must have been dropped as a kid or something. Before he was interrupted again, he quickly added, “you endangered a teammate life with your lone wolf style. That is not who the Avengers are. And if you can’t work with us, then maybe Fury shouldn’t even have led you on this”.

“Oh yeah. Well, newsflash Capsicle. I already told you that I was not a team player. I calculated and I made the right call. That building would have toppled if it wasn’t for my quick actions. Plus, Natasha is a big girl, she can take care of herself. That fifties mentality will do you no good here.” Tony dropped his mug of coffee into the sink like a mic-drop and reveled in the sound of it breaking. The captain would no doubt have another fit over it, but Tony could just order another cup. Hell, he had enough to order a 100 more cups if he wanted too. But if captain douche wanted to clean then Tony certainly wasn’t gonna stop him. He could have Jarvis take pictures. Tease Steve a little more. That would be fun. His blood was already pumping. Maybe he could upload them somewhere. That ass shouldn’t just be for him, everyone deserved it. Maybe it even had the ability to cure depression.

The guy was so easy to rile up that it was almost too easy. No, scratch that. It was really way too easy to get Steve riled up. Tony wondered if he was sexually repressed. Maybe that was why he needed to always vent his anger on the prettiest one nearby. The prettiest one being Tony himself of course. And before you say anything, Tony could be as vain as possible. He looked good and he knew it, and Tony couldn’t see the harm in being able to admit that. Besides, he followed people on Tumblr that appreciated his good looks. So, it wasn’t like he _needed_ Captain Douche to see it too, though it would be nice. Anyways, back to Steve being sexually repressed. Now that he thought about it that would make sense. He spent 70 years in ice, and every man knew how to use cold to one’s advantage when you needed to, well, cool down a little. Doesn’t matter though, it certainly wasn’t Tony’s problem. The guy had had it out for him since day one, or whatever they were doing that somehow resembled a functioning team so much that the entire world didn’t stop to think, wait, what are these idiots even doing? Cuz’ Tony certainly had no idea. They were just kinda there when people needed them to stop the latest big bad supervillain. But at this rate the rate of which they stopped something worthwhile was going to drop significantly. Tony wished he was joking but the truth was that just last week they had stopped giant _slugs._ Albeit it was fire spitting slugs, which admittedly was kinda cool, but still, _slugs._ Ew. Tony had to re-design the suit’s entire cleaning protocol to get all the slug juice off. Tony and Barton had complained loudly about the slugs. “if they start to eat me, I wouldn’t even fight back, at this point I don’t even care. Come get me and my handsome looks sluggie”.

Tony liked Barton, he didn’t like him however, when the dearest captain only reprimanded Tony for it. Even though Barton was as bad as chattering on the coms as Tony were. Barton sticking out his tongue and Tony giving him the finger in retaliation, a fight of the geniuses, though he was very mature about it. Still, it got the stick inside captain douche to go up a little further and he sat Tony down and explained to him like Tony was some child, how one needed to be respectful of one’s team members yadda yadda. To which Tony had pointed out that if that was the case, then why didn’t Barton not also get this talk, since he was the one sticking his tongue out. In public nevertheless, gosh, imagine the PR problems this will have. Golly me, I will hold a press conference immediately. Besides, it wasn’t even like Tony didn’t realize the consequences of their mission. The damage control alone could sometimes put a dent in his wallet, and that said something. If Hulk had one of his rampages and felt like throwing a thing into a building, well then that was paid by Tony himself. Not that Tony would ever say that to Brucie Bear, he didn’t want to put that on him. The fact of the matter was that Steve didn’t bloody knew _anything_ about Tony and his life. And he was close to hitting up Rhodey and asking if he could soon get some leave. He really needed to get drunk and bitch. Although, Tony knew intellectually that Rhodey was busy and couldn’t deal with his struggle of making friends. He had never really learned how. When he was younger the kids usually left him alone. Too afraid of the Stark name to interact, and Tony had been sent to boarding school by the time he was 6, and that were entirely new rules of social interaction.

The fact of the matter was though. The world needed to see America’s ass. Thinking on the matter Tony came to a conclusion. “Jarv, do we still have that Tumblr profile I created when I was young?”

“Yes, I do believe I still possess your password to it.” At Tony’s go-ahead, Jarvis added. “Captainxme. I believe it was sir”

Wheezing a little at his young and stupid self, though nothing much has changed, he was still a hot mess, “oh yeah. That was my Captain America obsessed years… I blame aunt Peggy for that. Her with her cool stories, corrupting a small innocent mind to think the Captain would actually even _like me_ ”. Tony afraid of whining too much, decided to not go down that road anymore. “Okay, Jay set it up. Let’s show the world that is Captain America’s ass”.

“Sir, might I add, that this might be considered a breach of privacy”.

“Yeah well, if he ever finds it, which I doubt he will, the guy can’t even work an old Nokia, then he can just make his own or something.” Tony didn’t really focus. Too busy thinking about all the blackmail material this would get him. An added plus was that this would surely get his delicate panties in a twist.

Steve wondered what the hell Stark was up to. He had gotten his AI machine in on it since he could feel the invisible eyes on him every damn day. It was worse when he was working out at the gym, which let’s face it was nearly every night. He often finds himself unable to sleep. Clint had introduced him to Terminator, and he worried if Jarvis was going Skynet on them. Maybe Shield should have a contingency plan if Stark ever went rogue. He wondered if Stark could even handle the machine. He had overheard him complaining about Jarvis often enough, things about the machine snarking back at him. Something, which Steve never thought he would be alive to see - a _machine_ snarking back at its creator. It was almost like Skynet. Still, he hadn’t forgotten Starks comment about his stick up his ass. There were many things Steve needed to unpack about that. First of all, why had Stark even been eying his ass in the first place? No one had asked him to look. Days after their fight- fight though, made him think of it as more than it was, really he thought, it was just Stark being an idiot and Steve has an uncanny ability to see a “fight” in every situation- had he caught Stark looking at his ass _again_. He was sorely tempted to raise the issue of appropriate behavior, but he was tired, hadn’t been able to sleep, and really just wanted to go down and start punching some sand. The second thing was, why was Stark such a giant douche about Steve being new at everything. He had even called him Capsicle just to wrap it in his face. It wasn’t like Steve had _wanted_ to spend the last 70 years in a frozen hell. But here he was, in the future, with no flying cars -Bucky would have loved if there had been flying cars- and every day seemed like survival. He sometimes caught himself in wanting a battle, just so he could get a little reprieve of how monotone his life had become. If he were fighting against someone, he could nearly convince himself that it was the Commandoes, who were snarking back at him, and not his teammates, who just were _not_ the ones he wanted. As much as he disliked Stark sometimes, he also appreciated the man’s ability to never shut up. It was a nice change from the silence he had been so used to.

With all that said, however, Steve still could not stop himself from thinking why Stark had had an increasing ogling of his ass (he had kept count). Deciding that it didn’t matter whether or not Jarvis had gone rogue, since Jarvis was, not even kidding, the most sensible one living in the tower - not counting Natasha, Steve asked Jarvis about Stark. Imagine his surprise when a window, scaring Steve out of his mind although he should be getting used to Stark’s high-tech gimmicks, popped up in front of him with a picture of his ass. Steve raised an affronted look at the ceiling. He had certainly not been expecting that to be the answer. He wasn’t exactly sure, but he felt that this could be taken as a breach of his privacy. And with no further prompting, Jarvis said, “Sir, thought that would be your reaction but he invited you to retaliate. Though you may want to know that he was occupied at that moment and might not have thought things much through. So, allow me to say this. If you hurt Sir, I will make your life here very difficult”.

Tony and Steve might dislike each other, but there was also some semblance of respect hidden somewhere. Tony had grown up hearing stories about the great captain America from his aunt Peggy, but that cobbled together with his dear old dad’s affinity to be more invested in a dead super soldier than his own son. And Steve had seen first-hand how much of a self-sacrificing idiot his teammate could be. There was also the other matter of the two being ultimately very much alike, which can be both sides of a coin, depending on whether you hate yourself or not. And speaking from one self-sacrificing idiot to the other, that is most certainly true. With this said, Steve would very much like to be friends with Stark, there was just the matter about Tony being very good at pushing people away before they have even gotten close. Luckily, Steve is a stubborn person and he sees this as an opportunity to annoy Stark, but also, possibly, befriend him. Thus, Steve, not hearing Jarvis order but storing it away for later, began his quest for the Stark ass.

All is fair in the game of butts.

Tony sometimes second doubted his genius. He knew he was bloody smart, but he could also be something of a dumbass. He might not possess much emotional clarity and personal insight, but at least he knew that. It also helped that both Pepper _and_ freaking Natasha called him dumbass and hot mess on a daily basis. Although, Tony couldn’t really begrudge them that, they had both seen him at his absolute worst and dumbness. And well, Tony also knew that he might be a mess, but he was also a goddamn _hot_ mess. So, he didn’t really mind all that much. What he did mind though, was when past-him did something dumb, and future-him had to accept that this was just his life now. So, imagine his surprise when he remembers that past-him, who had been tremendously sleep deprived and whatnot, actually went ahead and made a Tumblr profile. Which wasn’t bad in itself. Tony liked to stay connected to social media and keep up to date on various things. He also liked to talk to his fans, well, Iron Man’s fans, but that meant that they were his. But then Tony actually saw what the primary theme of the profile was, then he contemplated whether it was possible to invent a time machine and go back to give past-him a bitch slap. Listen, Tony knew he was an ass man, but that did not mean that he liked the asses on dudes that were literally asses. With that said, however, it was pretty hard to miss Captain douches ass. Maybe he should ask him if he could re-design his suit, since that since does nothing to capture all that glory.

He might as well just keep the profile going, it would be a shame to hog it all for himself. The world deserved Captain America’s ass. Tony also had an uncanny ability to let his hands feel warm on the explosions behind him. An indescribable urge to push forward and never look back. Instincts saying that if he stopped then he would be flooded. The water taking him with him and drowning him in everything he had tried to escape. That was how Tony Stark worked. He pushed until there was nothing more to be pushed. Rhodey had been the only one that had stayed besides Pepper. It wasn’t like Tony didn’t want to do this team thing, but first of all, he was a lousy team player. Had never really learned how. Kids had avoided him, whenever he tried to strike a conversation they would suddenly leave. He accepted it was just the Stark name taking precedence over a kid’s want for a friend a long time ago. And well, second of all, they had all very much gone off on the wrong foot. Natasha, although they had become closer and Tony didn’t know if he should be terrified or not, had seen him when he was _dying_ , and that’s the time when a man mostly says fuck it all to hell and ties up loose ends in the most Tony Stark-way possible. Then there is Clint Barton, who admittedly he does like, but their first encounter was literally Barton trying to free an angry god who wanted destruction to deal with whatever daddy issues he had (cuz’ whew, at least Tony did have _some_ coping techniques). Thor tried to fight him. Bruce might have been the only one of them that he had an okay start with, but at the time Tony couldn’t really get past the “ _ohmygodit’sBruceBanner”_ enough to actually listen to whatever his mouth was rambling on about. And Steve, well, that had gone to hell already. And now that he _knew_ what sleep deprived past-Tony had been up to, well, then now-Tony had to pay for that. Ugh, Tony really did not look forward to seeing Steve at the dinner table (since of- _fucking-_ course there were team dinners). Of course, he could also just admit to it and call Captain Douche. Own it, own his mistakes like he was used to doing.

Also, Tony’s brain helpfully supplied. What the hell kind of username was ‘AssofAmerica’ and ‘Iron ass’? Couldn’t he at least have called it gold-titanium alloy, or at least _try_ to be original. Ugh, what. A. Dick. Though, should he ask if he could re-design that suit?

Tony was drinking coffee when Natasha came in. She glared at him and Tony tried not to think about the many ways this woman could kill him with her _pinkie_. Natasha was freaking awesome. Sadly, the coffee did not survive Natasha, as she said, very off-handedly, since their conversation had been _nowhere_ the mention of butts.

“Steve won’t stop talking about your ass. It’s annoying, please make him stop. I can’t listen to Clint talking about Steve’s ‘Tony stark walks into a room, his ass walks in three minutes after’ jokes.” She poured another coffee, made to give it to Tony but then decided that she wanted it for herself. If it had been anybody else than her Tony would have flailed them alive, but it was kinda hilarious to see him decide that _nope, not doing that._ It gave her a sense of vindication for all the time he had refused to buy her tea until she employed Bruce’s help, and the poor billionaire would crumble like a chocolate eclair.

After that Tony promptly walked into a wall, looked affronted at the wall and then looked back at her as to ask _what the hell is this wall’s problem_ , then he realized what had just transpired. Turned beet red and walked out like a normal person through a normal door. For a moment there Natasha thought he would order Jarvis to demolish the wall and then wait around until the wall had died. The sheer stubbornness in that man surprised even her sometimes.

Tony wished he could say that that wasn’t the first time he had walked into a wall, sadly. He guessed it came with being a sleep deprived genius. He thought about Natasha’s comment. So, Stevie wouldn’t stop talking about his ass then. Funnily enough, it gave him some satisfaction to know that he wasn’t the only one complaining about asses. Jarvis must be so annoyed at him after the many times he had complained about how unfair it was that captain _douche-_ Steve- had such a nice ass. It was nice to know that Steve thought the same about his ass too. That did open up possibilities. Maybe they could work together, give the fans what they wanted. Plus, Fury had said that he wanted them to do more team bonding. Admittedly, this probably wasn’t what he had had in mind, but still, bonding was bonding.

“Jay relay this message to Steve, please. Why not help each other out here? You need material, I can give you that material and vice versa. Give the fans what they want. More ass pics of America’s ass and my bubble. I know you want to”.

“Will do Sir. Can I refer you to the less used gym on the 64thfloor? The floor is currently being remodeled as per Miss Potts wishes, and therefore, it is vacant at this time.”

“Thanks, Jay”

He moved towards the elevator with hurried strides. Though he would tell himself that it was his normal walking tempo. He wished that the windows would be open so a wind could come in and ruffle his hair in a cool way. He listened to the elevator music. Handpicked by himself, since Tony refused to be stuck five seconds in an enclosed space with horrible music.

The elevator landed on 64thand Tony stepped out. He tried to avoid the specks of dust clinging everywhere. He did not want to dirty his Black Sabbath shirt.

Jarvis was right. The gym bore traces of not being used while still not having a speck of dust. It didn’t carry the odor of sweat like only a Stark building could. The equipment had already been pushed to the sides, so depending on what Steve had in mind they would maybe need to move them back. Nothing like a good workout to get the clothes to cling.

Tony was surveying the layout thinking of poses (embarrassing poses) for Steve when the man walked in. Truth be told Tony hadn’t exactly been certain if the man would take him up on his offer or not, but here he was, and Tony, weirdly, was happy.

“I’m doing this for the fans just so you know Tony” He wore a smile that said something else though. Steve enjoyed this as much as Tony did.

“Great, let’s get started”

Fury would definitely have an aneurysm over what they chose to take as a team bonding activity, but he would also admit to himself that he probably should have seen this coming somehow.

**Author's Note:**

> To anyone thinking what the hell. Yes, this is how I deal with the emotional trauma of Endgame. And also cuz' a friend dared me to write this, and me, being very stubborn and a hot mess too, accepted the challenge. And thus, this monster of a crack fic was born.
> 
> Don't @ me, however, I would be delighted if you tell me what you think in the comments below. Thank you for reading, I apologize for any emotional scarring that might have occurred.


End file.
